January 2011: In which Gerry Adams tries to resign from the House of Commons (A short play)

Scene 1. Requires cast of two, large beard, plastic crown, extreme indignation and optional bunting.


Gerry Adams: "I want to resign from parliament - I'm going to run for election instead in a country which I don't recognise as existing."

John Bercow: "OK then, Baron Adams, here's your Queen's shilling."

Gerry Adams: "Er, what the frick?"

John Bercow: "George Osborne will make you Crown Steward and Bailiff of the Manor of Northstead. It's the only way you can resign so that you can emigrate to that country you don't recognise and run for parliament there. It comes with a shilling."

Gerry Adams: "Um, I don't want to be a baron. I am an Irish republican. I have had no truck whatsoever with these antiquated and quite bizarre aspects of the British parliamentary system."

John Bercow: "It's enshrined in the 1975 House of Commons Disqualification Act, comes with a free shilling."

Gerry Adams: "Antiquated law. No."

John Bercow: "It's far younger than the Irish Offences Against the State Act. And look, there's a free shilling that you can just take!"

Gerry Adams: "I just want to resign. Íosa is Muire, why can't I just resign! I don't want your Queen's shilling!"

John Bercow: "Christ, you'd think we wanted to keep you... Dude, you and McGuinness have taken 3600 quid a month in expenses for a flat that should only cost 1400 while never turning up for work. You can surely take one more fricking shilling."

<Exit, pursued by a beard>


Aside, the other "office" used as a legal fiction for resignation is currently held by Iris Robinson. Like Gerry Adams, she's also from the Northern Ireland / Ulster / six county statelet tradition and is as mad as a bag of spiders.